I started this blog to sort out my feelings and chronicle the ups and downs - thus far into my writing experience, it's been all ups. A down was bound to happen.
So, to recap -
Monday, we "re-established" the routine, rules, etc. Got spanked.
Tuesday, he fucked me twice and it was fun and great.
Wednesday, we had a social event to attend together and I thought it would be fun to wear my buttplug. He didn't seem too interested when I told him it was in and then upon returning home, I was told, "You don't have to do sexy time, I am tired."
Thursday and Friday he had to work night shifts, which meant sleeping all day.
Saturday we were kinda bitchy with each other all day. By evening, no one even said anything.
And here we are to Sunday morning. He spent most of the night up and down, in and out of the room. It's 10:15 and he is still asleep - or rather, finally asleep. And here I am, blogging and feeling defeated.
This is how it goes with us. I've fully admitted to him that I need his push. I need and want to be held accountable when it comes to sex, and he says he understands and wants to take the lead, but I just don't know. It doesn't seem that way. I don't want to be to pushy on the matter because, let's face it, that takes the charm out of being submissive. I have a certain vision for this in my head, but I am either unable to communicate that to him or he isn't that interested in making it work. In some ways, I worry that if I am too needy in this, that he'll think I'm some kind of freak or something. Honestly, it's days like this when I wonder if what I want is just...messed up.
Yet at the same time, he says he wants it too so what the hell is wrong??
Perhaps my expectations are too high, or maybe he's set the bar at an unattainable level. But I truly feel like I have tried so desperately to get my part right and that he hasn't made quite as much effort. I mean, it was his prerogative on Wednesday night to say that he wasn't into it - I had already done my part by wearing the buttplug, etc. But then we move ahead to Thursday and Friday. I didn't write him as I should have. I have no excuse, I just didn't. Wouldn't the ball then be in his court to address my failing? Again, though - his prerogative, I suppose but then by Saturday I was really hoping that something...anything...would have been said/done. But nothing.
Now. As it also stands, I woke up Saturday morning to some kind of injury to my eye, forcing me to take out my contacts. I am mostly blind without them and am having to wear broken glasses and the whole thing just put me in a pissy mood. I take responsibility for this, but...and here is the bottom line for me....there will ALWAYS be an excuse for us to not get down and dirty, or for one of us to not be feeling it. My nature is such that I get overwhelmed fairly easily and then feel defeated. That's the best I can describe it. I lose motivation - and not just towards sex, but ESPECIALLY towards sex - and am inclined to just kind of wallow in it.
In my dream scenario, yesterday and last night could have gone in the following way - once kids were sleeping soundly, and it was obvious that I was resolved to sit my ass on the couch all night, I would have liked for him to have enforced the rules. Told me to go get dressed as expected and to plug my ass as required. Being that perhaps he wasn't in the mood to do anything and being understanding to the plight of my eye, it could have ended there, but at least there would have been some enforcement. It's what I am looking for and, quite frankly, need.
And therein lies the mind-fuck for me. Why do I need this so badly? Or want it? And am I just passing the blame to him? In so many ways throughout the course of my relationship with him, I have put the blame on him - is this subconsciously another way I am doing it? This way, if we don't have sex, it's his fault? I swear it's not what I am trying to do, but I often wonder if that's how it makes him feel - like I am setting him up to fail. He's never indicated as such, but it's worth questioning.
I've tried my best to explain this need I have, and whenever I have, he immediately jumps into it with agreement and with enthusiasm. Then it subsides.
I know we need to talk about all of this. I want us to be on the same page. I don't want to be torturing myself with these questions and doubts, intellectualizing something that he just considers a game. It is a game, to some degree, but it's a game I wish to keep going long-term. I just wonder if he feels the same.
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