Monday 14 March 2011

Uggh

Seriously.  Just Uggh.

Last night was a write-off.  I'm feeling resentful and he's feeling god knows what, because well...who the hell knows.  I passed out on the couch and he just did whatever it is he does on the computer for hours on end.  Get mad at political crap, organize his stupid fantasy football team, blah-dee-blah.

This morning I am in no mood, as you can tell.

I am actually so resentful of the situation that I don't even feel like reaching out to him.  It is with 100% factual certainty that since the beginning of 2011, I have been the one to broach the subject when things lull.  Yes, I know it is only March, but still. I have been busting my ass trying to make the effort and if he's not into it, fine.  Just tell me so I can lower my expectations as I have with every other thing I've asked of him in the last 10 years.  If I don't set the bar too high, I guess I can't really be that disappointed when he doesn't hit it.  How fucking fabulous is that??

And to top it all off, the very last thing I said to him at 2:15am when I headed up to bed and he opted to remain downstairs was "make sure this dip finds it's way back into the refrigerator before you come up." What's that on the coffee table this morning when I come downstairs?  Oh!  The dip.

So Uggh.  In fact, uggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't even know what to do.  The only thing TO do is address it, and I just don't feel like being the one to start the conversation. Plus I know it's going to cause a fight, which for us is always a big thing - we don't argue fairly or rationally, we FIGHT.  And before it's over he'll have said really shitty things to me, and we'll be "over."  I'll then ignore him for a day or two until he decides to come apologize.  We seriously have some issues, I know.

I don't know why things have to be so hard.

Sunday 13 March 2011

Getting real

And....in less than a week, here we are again.

I started this blog to sort out my feelings and chronicle the ups and downs - thus far into my writing experience, it's been all ups.  A down was bound to happen.

So, to recap - 
Monday, we "re-established" the routine, rules, etc.  Got spanked.
Tuesday, he fucked me twice and it was fun and great.
Wednesday, we had a social event to attend together and I thought it would be fun to wear my buttplug.  He didn't seem too interested when I told him it was in and then upon returning home, I was told, "You don't have to do sexy time, I am tired."
Thursday and Friday he had to work night shifts, which meant sleeping all day.
Saturday we were kinda bitchy with each other all day.  By evening, no one even said anything.

And here we are to Sunday morning.  He spent most of the night up and down, in and out of the room.  It's 10:15 and he is still asleep - or rather, finally asleep.  And here I am, blogging and feeling defeated.

This is how it goes with us.  I've fully admitted to him that I need his push.  I need and want to be held accountable when it comes to sex, and he says he understands and wants to take the lead, but I just don't know.  It doesn't seem that way.  I don't want to be to pushy on the matter because, let's face it, that takes the charm out of being submissive.  I have a certain vision for this in my head, but I am either unable to communicate that to him or he isn't that interested in making it work.  In some ways, I worry that if I am too needy in this, that he'll think I'm some kind of freak or something.  Honestly, it's days like this when I wonder if what I want is just...messed up. 

Yet at the same time, he says he wants it too so what the hell is wrong??

Perhaps my expectations are too high, or maybe he's set the bar at an unattainable level.  But I truly feel like I have tried so desperately to get my part right and that he hasn't made quite as much effort.  I mean, it was his prerogative on Wednesday night to say that he wasn't into it - I had already done my part by wearing the buttplug, etc.  But then we move ahead to Thursday and Friday.  I didn't write him as I should have.  I have no excuse, I just didn't.  Wouldn't the ball then be in his court to address my failing?  Again, though - his prerogative, I suppose but then by Saturday I was really hoping that something...anything...would have been said/done.  But nothing.

Now.  As it also stands, I woke up Saturday morning to some kind of injury to my eye, forcing me to take out my contacts.  I am mostly blind without them and am having to wear broken glasses and the whole thing just put me in a pissy mood.  I take responsibility for this, but...and here is the bottom line for me....there will ALWAYS be an excuse for us to not get down and dirty, or for one of us to not be feeling it.  My nature is such that I get overwhelmed fairly easily and then feel defeated.  That's the best I can describe it.  I lose motivation - and not just towards sex, but ESPECIALLY towards sex - and am inclined to just kind of wallow in it.  

In my dream scenario, yesterday and last night could have gone in the following way - once kids were sleeping soundly, and it was obvious that I was resolved to sit my ass on the couch all night, I would have liked for him to have enforced the rules.  Told me to go get dressed as expected and to plug my ass as required.  Being that perhaps he wasn't in the mood to do anything and being understanding to the plight of my eye, it could have ended there, but at least there would have been some enforcement.  It's what I am looking for and, quite frankly, need.  

And therein lies the mind-fuck for me.  Why do I need this so badly?  Or want it?  And am I just passing the blame to him?  In so many ways throughout the course of my relationship with him, I have put the blame on him - is this subconsciously another way I am doing it? This way, if we don't have sex, it's his fault?  I swear it's not what I am trying to do, but I often wonder if that's how it makes him feel - like I am setting him up to fail.  He's never indicated as such, but it's worth questioning.

I've tried my best to explain this need I have, and whenever I have, he immediately jumps into it with agreement and with enthusiasm.  Then it subsides.

I know we need to talk about all of this.  I want us to be on the same page.  I don't want to be torturing myself with these questions and doubts, intellectualizing something that he just considers a game.  It is a game, to some degree, but it's a game I wish to keep going long-term.  I just wonder if he feels the same.

Saturday 12 March 2011

Catching Up

The past couple of days have been uneventful, thus the lack of posts.  Actually, I take that back... let me explain.

When last I checked in here, I had been spanked and reviewed on my rules.  The following day, I was careful to make sure that all of his wishes were met, which is to say that, when the day is over, i.e. the long, busy, chaotic day with work and kids and messes - I am to assume my submissive role and turn my attention to his needs.  On this night, it meant dressing in something cute and attending to his cock. :)  

The evening started simply.  I took my place on the floor in front of him, ready to be used at his convenience.  He had things he needed to do on the computer, so for awhile I mostly just watched tv as he typed away - with both of us rubbing on the other one from time to time.  After a bit, he pulled me up so that I was facing him and he pushed my face down into his lap.  His cock was quite hard, and although he was still fully dressed, I began to play with him. As he continued to work online, I rubbed and played with his cock, using my hands as well as nuzzling my face against it.  Rubbing his dick on my face is something he and I both enjoy, so I made sure to do plenty of that and before too long, he had shut his laptop and was was ready to use me.

He lifted his hips and slid his pants down to expose his cock while I slid them down his legs and removed them completely.  I came back to his dick and began using my mouth to pleasure him.  He alternated between holding my head and fucking my mouth to allowing me to suck him freely.  Cock-sucking is one of the things I do best, but I still love for him to control it - wrapping his fingers in my hair and pushing me down so that his cock enters my throat.  He will do this until he feels my gag reflex kick in and then he'll pull me off, allowing me to catch my breath before entering me again.  Nothing else he does to me makes me feel quite so used, and I love it.

Once he was ready, he had me bend over a low-lying footstool with my ass arched up into the air.  He spread my legs and ass cheeks before plunging his cock into my pussy.  At this angle, he is able to penetrate me deeply and fully.  Occasionally this causes me some discomfort, so he is always careful to take it easy on me. On this evening however, he slid in easily and with no indication from me that he should slow, he used his slut wantonly.  He fucked my cunt deeply and with force, holding onto my hips to control my thrusts.  His cock slid in and out of me, enjoying his pet.  When he was ready, he came inside of me, holding his cock deep within my pussy as he ejaculated.

He told me I could get cleaned up and join him on the couch.  The rest of the evening was spent cuddling on the couch and watching tv, before retiring to bed.  Once upstairs, he decided that I deserved to cum too and played with me for awhile.  He ultimately allowed me to get myself off with my vibrator while he fucked me again from behind.  The orgasm I have from that combination is sublime and I fell asleep quite happily in his arms.


Tuesday 8 March 2011

Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things

So I approached him yesterday via email about refocusing our attention on the D/s routine we had previously established.  I wasn't even sure he had read it, as he said nothing to indicate that he had.  I didn't want to seem impatient or come off as bratty, so I didn't ask.  We went through our evening as normal - dinner and homework and putting kids to bed - and it wasn't until I was ready to go to bed that he instructed me to go ahead upstairs and wait for him.  I knew then that he had gotten the message, and was going to address the situation.


He was firm and calm and got his point across.  He wasn't too tough on me, I suspect at least partially because he hadn't been enforcing the rules and was willing to accept some of the blame.  He went through his expectations and spanked me as he repeated his rules.  He then put me between his legs and asked me to repeat my rules.  He was stroking his cock inches from, and sometimes against my face - this is something which turns me on immensely, but I'll talk about that at some other time.

When I had gone through all the rules, I thought for certain that he would have me suck his cock or use one of my holes, but he didn't.  He continued to jerk off, not allowing me to help and declining to touch me in a sexual way.  He then firmly reminded me that one of my rules was to have my ass plugged by 10 pm every night and instructed me to get it out and put it in.  I did as I was told, fetching my stainless steel njoy buttplug (seriously the greatest plug EVAH) and lube.  As I began to get it and myself lubed up, he pulled me towards him.  He was lying on the bed, propped up by several pillows.  He sat me so that I was between his thoughs and facing him.  He pushed me onto my back and spread my legs, pulling my entire body towards him so that my exposed pussy was touching his balls and my feet were on either side of him.  He then told me to insert the plug into my ass while he watched.  I had to lift my ass up off the bed and reach down to get it in, and as I did, he continued to pleasure himself as he watched.

I must interject here that I love, loved, LOVED this.  Being on display for him is something we both enjoy, but typically it is something we talk about doing more than we actually do.  As I lay there, completely open to his gaze, I felt truly submissive.  It was clear in that moment that I was there for his pleasure, even when it meant lying there and doing nothing.  I'm sure I was squirming a bit from my own arousal, but I didn't try to touch myself or him. I just lied there and watched his hand gripping and stroking his dick until he came.  Some of it got onto my pussy (which also turned me on) and his cleaning it up was the only physical contact he gave me for the night.  He told me it was time for me to go to sleep, so I thanked him and got onto my side of the bed.

Once the lights were out, I remembered my rules and - jokingly - I asked, "Does your telling me to go to sleep mean that you are done using my holes, or do I need to double check?"  He did not return the humorous tone, but said firmly, "I would like to hear you ask."  So I did and, not surprisingly, he said he was done using his slut for the night.  I thanked him again for reaffirming his control of me and fell asleep with my ass still plugged.

I've already written him today thanking him, and I am incredibly excited to see what tonight will bring.

Until next time, 
~n~

Monday 7 March 2011

My Current Rules

Part of the reason I've chosen to blog about my submissive life is to maintain accountability.  Ultimately, he is in charge and will handle any digressions, but from day to day I want to chronicle all the little details so that I can correct my own failings and see where I can make improvements.  As I mentioned in my first post, sexual submission is something we have repeatedly attempted to incorporate into our lives, and yet we can only maintain it for so long.  Certainly, when we have sex, we return to our roles, but we have both expressed a desire to keep it up on a daily basis.  Somehow it always dies out.

I don't know if we're too eager and take on too much too fast, or if what we envision for ourselves just isn't possible.  Because we have children and jobs and various responsibilities, we can't do something like this 24/7.  I know I am guilty of slacking off...but then as the Dominant, shouldn't he be ultimately to blame for not holding me to it?  On the other hand, perhaps as his wife, I have not properly communicated my needs and desires.  These are the things I want to ponder here but not right this very second!
None of these are difficult to complete and I yet I have only done them a handful of times.  I have even stopped thanking him via email each day.  

I want to start off by laying out the rules as they stand.  In January, I was given a number of rules to follow.  I followed them explicitly and with earnest, only needing one strong punishment along the way to correct some failed behavior.  He was quite pleased with my obedience and decided on February 3 to up the ante with some new guidelines as follows:


1. I will, without fail, ensure that His cock is sucked to the point of orgasm each day, for the remainder of the month. I do this without expectation of reciprocation, but because I am a cock-serving whore and He deserves daily usage of my mouth-hole.

2. My ass will be plugged by 10pm each night, without fail. As an owned slut, I am required to be available to Him in any way that He wishes. I will do more to ensure that my ass accommodates His cock.

3. In the past I have been told to not fall asleep without assuring that His cock has been properly cared for and His needs fulfilled.  While this may be embarressing to say aloud, I should have no shame in being His whore. From this point forward, I will say this phrase each night, "Sir, I am getting tired. Are you done using your holes?" before I fall asleep. Infractions to this will result in being awoken in a manner of His choosing.

4. When the children go up to bed, I will sit on the floor at His feet until given permission to join Him on the couch. To sit beside Him is a privilege and if I am given permission to do so, I will show my gratitude.

5.  I will write to him each day via email, text, or handwritten note to thank Him for the privilege of being his slut.

When I am done typing this post, I am going to write to him and apologize for not taking my responsibilities seriously.  I will ask that he review these rules with me and perhaps give me a punishment to refocus my attentions where they need to be - on his cock.  I am certain he will agree and hopefully tomorrow I will have more to share with you all.

Until then, 
~n~

Something New

How do I even start this?

Well.  I am a 30-something wife and mother of two.  I have been married for 9 years now, but was with him on-and-off for 6 years prior to that.  I feel blessed to have met the love of my life at a young age, but I can't begin to romanticize it.  It's been difficult.  We're both quite headstrong and apt to anger.  At times, we seem to compete in ways that are unnecessary and just tiresome.  But as much as we've fought, we've laughed...(and cried)...and laughed some more.  There have been times for both of us when it seemed like going our separate ways was the only sane and rational thing to do - but nay.  We are neither sane, nor rational and we love each other with a passion that has yet to be compromised.  

But this blog isn't about that.  Well, it is - but not specifically.  This is about our sex life, and the road we've chosen to navigate together.  We've both had other sexual partners prior to our marriage.  Those 6 on-and-off years I mentioned did include other people and other experiences, but by and large, we've grown up together and so has our sex.  We've made love, we've fucked, we've indulged in fantasies.  I don't think our sex life is extraordinary in it's circumstances - like every other couple, we've had our ups and downs.  There have been periods with lots of sex and periods without.  We have jobs, kids, responsibilities and sometimes sex gets put on the back burner.  It is what it is.

Except for my submission.

Yes, despite our normal lives and typical sex routine, we always come back to submission.  My submission.  And finally, I am at a point in my life where I want to pursue it on a more regular basis.  This is without his urging, but certainly to his approval.  Throughout our relationship, we've played with D/s.  He's tied me up.  He's spanked me.  Etc Etc.  Then, several years ago, circumstances were such with his job that we had to be separated for months at a time.  To cope, we took to the computer - through emails, webcam and phone sex we continued to play.  More and more and quite quickly, themes of my submission became the focal point and even though we were not in the same place, something clicked.  And when he returned, it was amazing.  We fell into a routine based on his rules for me, and my servitude to him - all sexually - and somehow, everything else in our lives magically came together.

Let me interject and say that I am not and never will be the kind of girl who would accept getting spanked for not doing the dishes.  I am, in every other way, very much "in control."  I think part of what makes sexual submission to him so appealing is that in my "real life," I am quite dominant.  To give up control sexually is freeing and allows me to experience it without worrying about being in charge.  I don't relate to the idea of being his "slave."  I am an equal in this relationship, and as such, I consent to serve him sexually.  It is a confusing concept - I know - and it's why I chose to start this blog.

Anyway, the routine I mentioned earlier ended up going by the wayside.  There is no real reason, just that life got in the way.  We've tried it several times since, and again - same results.  Something stops us.  We get caught up in other things.  We're tired.  We're mad.  There's something good on tv.  You name it, we could blame it. It just comes to a halt and neither of us hold the other accountable.  And yet neither of us is happy to see it go.


So it is that we've committed to it once again.  The "it" I will explain, explore, ponder and discuss here.  I have agreed to follow certain rules and for the most part, 2011 has been going swimmingly.  It's starting to slow again though and that's pushed me into making this blog.  I don't want to intellectualize or analyze things too much, but I do want to get my feelings out there.  I'm thinking that maybe - just maybe - by paying really close attention to the details, I can figure out why it does and doesn't work and if it's something I want to take further.  For now, I'm not sharing this place with him.  It's not a secret, but I want to get a few entries written before showing it to him.  We've always been much better at communicating this sort of thing through writing versus speaking, so I think it will please him to see what I'm working on and why.

I didn't mean to write this much for my first entry.  If you've read this far, I hope I didn't bore you.  If the subject matter resonates with you, feel free to comment.  This whole exercise is for me, but obviously this is a public blog for a reason.  I would love to hear thoughts from those going through it all too.  The internet is filled with lovely kinky blogs, and there will be some of that here for certain but if I end up making some friends along the way, you won't hear me complain.

Until next time,
~n~

Monday 14 March 2011

Uggh

Seriously.  Just Uggh.

Last night was a write-off.  I'm feeling resentful and he's feeling god knows what, because well...who the hell knows.  I passed out on the couch and he just did whatever it is he does on the computer for hours on end.  Get mad at political crap, organize his stupid fantasy football team, blah-dee-blah.

This morning I am in no mood, as you can tell.

I am actually so resentful of the situation that I don't even feel like reaching out to him.  It is with 100% factual certainty that since the beginning of 2011, I have been the one to broach the subject when things lull.  Yes, I know it is only March, but still. I have been busting my ass trying to make the effort and if he's not into it, fine.  Just tell me so I can lower my expectations as I have with every other thing I've asked of him in the last 10 years.  If I don't set the bar too high, I guess I can't really be that disappointed when he doesn't hit it.  How fucking fabulous is that??

And to top it all off, the very last thing I said to him at 2:15am when I headed up to bed and he opted to remain downstairs was "make sure this dip finds it's way back into the refrigerator before you come up." What's that on the coffee table this morning when I come downstairs?  Oh!  The dip.

So Uggh.  In fact, uggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't even know what to do.  The only thing TO do is address it, and I just don't feel like being the one to start the conversation. Plus I know it's going to cause a fight, which for us is always a big thing - we don't argue fairly or rationally, we FIGHT.  And before it's over he'll have said really shitty things to me, and we'll be "over."  I'll then ignore him for a day or two until he decides to come apologize.  We seriously have some issues, I know.

I don't know why things have to be so hard.

Sunday 13 March 2011

Getting real

And....in less than a week, here we are again.

I started this blog to sort out my feelings and chronicle the ups and downs - thus far into my writing experience, it's been all ups.  A down was bound to happen.

So, to recap - 
Monday, we "re-established" the routine, rules, etc.  Got spanked.
Tuesday, he fucked me twice and it was fun and great.
Wednesday, we had a social event to attend together and I thought it would be fun to wear my buttplug.  He didn't seem too interested when I told him it was in and then upon returning home, I was told, "You don't have to do sexy time, I am tired."
Thursday and Friday he had to work night shifts, which meant sleeping all day.
Saturday we were kinda bitchy with each other all day.  By evening, no one even said anything.

And here we are to Sunday morning.  He spent most of the night up and down, in and out of the room.  It's 10:15 and he is still asleep - or rather, finally asleep.  And here I am, blogging and feeling defeated.

This is how it goes with us.  I've fully admitted to him that I need his push.  I need and want to be held accountable when it comes to sex, and he says he understands and wants to take the lead, but I just don't know.  It doesn't seem that way.  I don't want to be to pushy on the matter because, let's face it, that takes the charm out of being submissive.  I have a certain vision for this in my head, but I am either unable to communicate that to him or he isn't that interested in making it work.  In some ways, I worry that if I am too needy in this, that he'll think I'm some kind of freak or something.  Honestly, it's days like this when I wonder if what I want is just...messed up. 

Yet at the same time, he says he wants it too so what the hell is wrong??

Perhaps my expectations are too high, or maybe he's set the bar at an unattainable level.  But I truly feel like I have tried so desperately to get my part right and that he hasn't made quite as much effort.  I mean, it was his prerogative on Wednesday night to say that he wasn't into it - I had already done my part by wearing the buttplug, etc.  But then we move ahead to Thursday and Friday.  I didn't write him as I should have.  I have no excuse, I just didn't.  Wouldn't the ball then be in his court to address my failing?  Again, though - his prerogative, I suppose but then by Saturday I was really hoping that something...anything...would have been said/done.  But nothing.

Now.  As it also stands, I woke up Saturday morning to some kind of injury to my eye, forcing me to take out my contacts.  I am mostly blind without them and am having to wear broken glasses and the whole thing just put me in a pissy mood.  I take responsibility for this, but...and here is the bottom line for me....there will ALWAYS be an excuse for us to not get down and dirty, or for one of us to not be feeling it.  My nature is such that I get overwhelmed fairly easily and then feel defeated.  That's the best I can describe it.  I lose motivation - and not just towards sex, but ESPECIALLY towards sex - and am inclined to just kind of wallow in it.  

In my dream scenario, yesterday and last night could have gone in the following way - once kids were sleeping soundly, and it was obvious that I was resolved to sit my ass on the couch all night, I would have liked for him to have enforced the rules.  Told me to go get dressed as expected and to plug my ass as required.  Being that perhaps he wasn't in the mood to do anything and being understanding to the plight of my eye, it could have ended there, but at least there would have been some enforcement.  It's what I am looking for and, quite frankly, need.  

And therein lies the mind-fuck for me.  Why do I need this so badly?  Or want it?  And am I just passing the blame to him?  In so many ways throughout the course of my relationship with him, I have put the blame on him - is this subconsciously another way I am doing it? This way, if we don't have sex, it's his fault?  I swear it's not what I am trying to do, but I often wonder if that's how it makes him feel - like I am setting him up to fail.  He's never indicated as such, but it's worth questioning.

I've tried my best to explain this need I have, and whenever I have, he immediately jumps into it with agreement and with enthusiasm.  Then it subsides.

I know we need to talk about all of this.  I want us to be on the same page.  I don't want to be torturing myself with these questions and doubts, intellectualizing something that he just considers a game.  It is a game, to some degree, but it's a game I wish to keep going long-term.  I just wonder if he feels the same.

Saturday 12 March 2011

Catching Up

The past couple of days have been uneventful, thus the lack of posts.  Actually, I take that back... let me explain.

When last I checked in here, I had been spanked and reviewed on my rules.  The following day, I was careful to make sure that all of his wishes were met, which is to say that, when the day is over, i.e. the long, busy, chaotic day with work and kids and messes - I am to assume my submissive role and turn my attention to his needs.  On this night, it meant dressing in something cute and attending to his cock. :)  

The evening started simply.  I took my place on the floor in front of him, ready to be used at his convenience.  He had things he needed to do on the computer, so for awhile I mostly just watched tv as he typed away - with both of us rubbing on the other one from time to time.  After a bit, he pulled me up so that I was facing him and he pushed my face down into his lap.  His cock was quite hard, and although he was still fully dressed, I began to play with him. As he continued to work online, I rubbed and played with his cock, using my hands as well as nuzzling my face against it.  Rubbing his dick on my face is something he and I both enjoy, so I made sure to do plenty of that and before too long, he had shut his laptop and was was ready to use me.

He lifted his hips and slid his pants down to expose his cock while I slid them down his legs and removed them completely.  I came back to his dick and began using my mouth to pleasure him.  He alternated between holding my head and fucking my mouth to allowing me to suck him freely.  Cock-sucking is one of the things I do best, but I still love for him to control it - wrapping his fingers in my hair and pushing me down so that his cock enters my throat.  He will do this until he feels my gag reflex kick in and then he'll pull me off, allowing me to catch my breath before entering me again.  Nothing else he does to me makes me feel quite so used, and I love it.

Once he was ready, he had me bend over a low-lying footstool with my ass arched up into the air.  He spread my legs and ass cheeks before plunging his cock into my pussy.  At this angle, he is able to penetrate me deeply and fully.  Occasionally this causes me some discomfort, so he is always careful to take it easy on me. On this evening however, he slid in easily and with no indication from me that he should slow, he used his slut wantonly.  He fucked my cunt deeply and with force, holding onto my hips to control my thrusts.  His cock slid in and out of me, enjoying his pet.  When he was ready, he came inside of me, holding his cock deep within my pussy as he ejaculated.

He told me I could get cleaned up and join him on the couch.  The rest of the evening was spent cuddling on the couch and watching tv, before retiring to bed.  Once upstairs, he decided that I deserved to cum too and played with me for awhile.  He ultimately allowed me to get myself off with my vibrator while he fucked me again from behind.  The orgasm I have from that combination is sublime and I fell asleep quite happily in his arms.


Tuesday 8 March 2011

Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things

So I approached him yesterday via email about refocusing our attention on the D/s routine we had previously established.  I wasn't even sure he had read it, as he said nothing to indicate that he had.  I didn't want to seem impatient or come off as bratty, so I didn't ask.  We went through our evening as normal - dinner and homework and putting kids to bed - and it wasn't until I was ready to go to bed that he instructed me to go ahead upstairs and wait for him.  I knew then that he had gotten the message, and was going to address the situation.


He was firm and calm and got his point across.  He wasn't too tough on me, I suspect at least partially because he hadn't been enforcing the rules and was willing to accept some of the blame.  He went through his expectations and spanked me as he repeated his rules.  He then put me between his legs and asked me to repeat my rules.  He was stroking his cock inches from, and sometimes against my face - this is something which turns me on immensely, but I'll talk about that at some other time.

When I had gone through all the rules, I thought for certain that he would have me suck his cock or use one of my holes, but he didn't.  He continued to jerk off, not allowing me to help and declining to touch me in a sexual way.  He then firmly reminded me that one of my rules was to have my ass plugged by 10 pm every night and instructed me to get it out and put it in.  I did as I was told, fetching my stainless steel njoy buttplug (seriously the greatest plug EVAH) and lube.  As I began to get it and myself lubed up, he pulled me towards him.  He was lying on the bed, propped up by several pillows.  He sat me so that I was between his thoughs and facing him.  He pushed me onto my back and spread my legs, pulling my entire body towards him so that my exposed pussy was touching his balls and my feet were on either side of him.  He then told me to insert the plug into my ass while he watched.  I had to lift my ass up off the bed and reach down to get it in, and as I did, he continued to pleasure himself as he watched.

I must interject here that I love, loved, LOVED this.  Being on display for him is something we both enjoy, but typically it is something we talk about doing more than we actually do.  As I lay there, completely open to his gaze, I felt truly submissive.  It was clear in that moment that I was there for his pleasure, even when it meant lying there and doing nothing.  I'm sure I was squirming a bit from my own arousal, but I didn't try to touch myself or him. I just lied there and watched his hand gripping and stroking his dick until he came.  Some of it got onto my pussy (which also turned me on) and his cleaning it up was the only physical contact he gave me for the night.  He told me it was time for me to go to sleep, so I thanked him and got onto my side of the bed.

Once the lights were out, I remembered my rules and - jokingly - I asked, "Does your telling me to go to sleep mean that you are done using my holes, or do I need to double check?"  He did not return the humorous tone, but said firmly, "I would like to hear you ask."  So I did and, not surprisingly, he said he was done using his slut for the night.  I thanked him again for reaffirming his control of me and fell asleep with my ass still plugged.

I've already written him today thanking him, and I am incredibly excited to see what tonight will bring.

Until next time, 
~n~

Monday 7 March 2011

My Current Rules

Part of the reason I've chosen to blog about my submissive life is to maintain accountability.  Ultimately, he is in charge and will handle any digressions, but from day to day I want to chronicle all the little details so that I can correct my own failings and see where I can make improvements.  As I mentioned in my first post, sexual submission is something we have repeatedly attempted to incorporate into our lives, and yet we can only maintain it for so long.  Certainly, when we have sex, we return to our roles, but we have both expressed a desire to keep it up on a daily basis.  Somehow it always dies out.

I don't know if we're too eager and take on too much too fast, or if what we envision for ourselves just isn't possible.  Because we have children and jobs and various responsibilities, we can't do something like this 24/7.  I know I am guilty of slacking off...but then as the Dominant, shouldn't he be ultimately to blame for not holding me to it?  On the other hand, perhaps as his wife, I have not properly communicated my needs and desires.  These are the things I want to ponder here but not right this very second!
None of these are difficult to complete and I yet I have only done them a handful of times.  I have even stopped thanking him via email each day.  

I want to start off by laying out the rules as they stand.  In January, I was given a number of rules to follow.  I followed them explicitly and with earnest, only needing one strong punishment along the way to correct some failed behavior.  He was quite pleased with my obedience and decided on February 3 to up the ante with some new guidelines as follows:


1. I will, without fail, ensure that His cock is sucked to the point of orgasm each day, for the remainder of the month. I do this without expectation of reciprocation, but because I am a cock-serving whore and He deserves daily usage of my mouth-hole.

2. My ass will be plugged by 10pm each night, without fail. As an owned slut, I am required to be available to Him in any way that He wishes. I will do more to ensure that my ass accommodates His cock.

3. In the past I have been told to not fall asleep without assuring that His cock has been properly cared for and His needs fulfilled.  While this may be embarressing to say aloud, I should have no shame in being His whore. From this point forward, I will say this phrase each night, "Sir, I am getting tired. Are you done using your holes?" before I fall asleep. Infractions to this will result in being awoken in a manner of His choosing.

4. When the children go up to bed, I will sit on the floor at His feet until given permission to join Him on the couch. To sit beside Him is a privilege and if I am given permission to do so, I will show my gratitude.

5.  I will write to him each day via email, text, or handwritten note to thank Him for the privilege of being his slut.

When I am done typing this post, I am going to write to him and apologize for not taking my responsibilities seriously.  I will ask that he review these rules with me and perhaps give me a punishment to refocus my attentions where they need to be - on his cock.  I am certain he will agree and hopefully tomorrow I will have more to share with you all.

Until then, 
~n~

Something New

How do I even start this?

Well.  I am a 30-something wife and mother of two.  I have been married for 9 years now, but was with him on-and-off for 6 years prior to that.  I feel blessed to have met the love of my life at a young age, but I can't begin to romanticize it.  It's been difficult.  We're both quite headstrong and apt to anger.  At times, we seem to compete in ways that are unnecessary and just tiresome.  But as much as we've fought, we've laughed...(and cried)...and laughed some more.  There have been times for both of us when it seemed like going our separate ways was the only sane and rational thing to do - but nay.  We are neither sane, nor rational and we love each other with a passion that has yet to be compromised.  

But this blog isn't about that.  Well, it is - but not specifically.  This is about our sex life, and the road we've chosen to navigate together.  We've both had other sexual partners prior to our marriage.  Those 6 on-and-off years I mentioned did include other people and other experiences, but by and large, we've grown up together and so has our sex.  We've made love, we've fucked, we've indulged in fantasies.  I don't think our sex life is extraordinary in it's circumstances - like every other couple, we've had our ups and downs.  There have been periods with lots of sex and periods without.  We have jobs, kids, responsibilities and sometimes sex gets put on the back burner.  It is what it is.

Except for my submission.

Yes, despite our normal lives and typical sex routine, we always come back to submission.  My submission.  And finally, I am at a point in my life where I want to pursue it on a more regular basis.  This is without his urging, but certainly to his approval.  Throughout our relationship, we've played with D/s.  He's tied me up.  He's spanked me.  Etc Etc.  Then, several years ago, circumstances were such with his job that we had to be separated for months at a time.  To cope, we took to the computer - through emails, webcam and phone sex we continued to play.  More and more and quite quickly, themes of my submission became the focal point and even though we were not in the same place, something clicked.  And when he returned, it was amazing.  We fell into a routine based on his rules for me, and my servitude to him - all sexually - and somehow, everything else in our lives magically came together.

Let me interject and say that I am not and never will be the kind of girl who would accept getting spanked for not doing the dishes.  I am, in every other way, very much "in control."  I think part of what makes sexual submission to him so appealing is that in my "real life," I am quite dominant.  To give up control sexually is freeing and allows me to experience it without worrying about being in charge.  I don't relate to the idea of being his "slave."  I am an equal in this relationship, and as such, I consent to serve him sexually.  It is a confusing concept - I know - and it's why I chose to start this blog.

Anyway, the routine I mentioned earlier ended up going by the wayside.  There is no real reason, just that life got in the way.  We've tried it several times since, and again - same results.  Something stops us.  We get caught up in other things.  We're tired.  We're mad.  There's something good on tv.  You name it, we could blame it. It just comes to a halt and neither of us hold the other accountable.  And yet neither of us is happy to see it go.


So it is that we've committed to it once again.  The "it" I will explain, explore, ponder and discuss here.  I have agreed to follow certain rules and for the most part, 2011 has been going swimmingly.  It's starting to slow again though and that's pushed me into making this blog.  I don't want to intellectualize or analyze things too much, but I do want to get my feelings out there.  I'm thinking that maybe - just maybe - by paying really close attention to the details, I can figure out why it does and doesn't work and if it's something I want to take further.  For now, I'm not sharing this place with him.  It's not a secret, but I want to get a few entries written before showing it to him.  We've always been much better at communicating this sort of thing through writing versus speaking, so I think it will please him to see what I'm working on and why.

I didn't mean to write this much for my first entry.  If you've read this far, I hope I didn't bore you.  If the subject matter resonates with you, feel free to comment.  This whole exercise is for me, but obviously this is a public blog for a reason.  I would love to hear thoughts from those going through it all too.  The internet is filled with lovely kinky blogs, and there will be some of that here for certain but if I end up making some friends along the way, you won't hear me complain.

Until next time,
~n~
 

Blog Template by YummyLolly.com